What’s Not Working?
What happens when meditation doesn’t work?
What do you do when you’ve taken a shower, cleaned the entire house, re-organized your closet, finished an hour long vinyasa yoga video and the tumultuous emotions just won’t settle?
Well??
I’m asking because I have no f*cking idea.
But, let me tell you a story!
Yesterday was a whirlwind for my head and heart. I woke up to find several broken systems in my computer. That’s how my day started. I had no idea how about two of my bills were going to be paid, and they were for essentials– so no, not a postmates receipt or my Hulu subscription (though I’m working on canceling a couple of those because Hulu loves to charge me once a week for a month worth of content, and if I wanted to pay $15/wk I might spend it being curious about what exactly Bella Thorne does on onlyfans – asking for a friend?). And like any 21-yr old (don’t correct me I need this), I had/have some ‘proper adult’ tasks slowly falling lower and lower on the to-do list totem pole as the end of winter break steadily approaches. Soon classes will be back in session and my time will be lost off in some adventure of its own. So, needless to say, I awoke in a state of panic; not my go-to start for a Saturday.
But I huffed and I puffed and I took a relaxing shower, sat down on my little backless chair (I call it my lil poof), and navigated my way through a guided meditation session. Never in my life has twenty minutes gone by so fast. I opened my eyes and I knew I had heard every second of sound coming out of the little speakers on my phone, which I perch on my shoulder or in my bra for meditative convenience. It was still as if no time had passed. As if my emotions had started trying to sort themselves out, but didn’t even get close to wrapping it up by the time I reached the end of my video. Welp, there goes my allotted meditation time for the morning! Now I don’t know about you guys, but I can’t just meditate all day. I would love to *and note to self: I need to carve out more time to meditate*. However, I have a life, family in my house, school, a job (several most of the time), two cats that take up so much loving time, and I’m one of those people that likes to “check-up” on things; this could be anything from my email inbox, what Lady Gaga is doing at any given point in time, what my siblings are up to, what people I haven’t spoken to in years are posting on social media, what my mother is doing, what national holiday it is on any given day (like national cat lady day is on April 19th!), whether or not those waterproof LED light bulbs for my bathtub have gone down in price online, to the day-to-day circus that is American politics. I attempt to keep tabs on it all, whether a lucrative use of my time or not. And that takes up a big chunk of my time. So how do you operate when you’re in a funk, and it’s clear that the funk isn’t going anywhere? When you don’t have enough time to work through what’s f-ing up your ability to feel like yourself?
WHAT do I DO?
Personally, I usually turn to music when I can’t figure out what’s really buggin’ me. I truly believe there is a correlation between the frequency emitted by music made with the intention of goodness (call it the intention of love or collective mass healing) and good vibes. Maybe it’s just a correlation between truth and mass personal resonance. We know the sayings, ‘help yourself before helping others,’ and, ‘change yourself to change the world.’ Well, I don’t know if that last one is a saying, but it sounds like something someone has probably said before. Right? A great example of this though, is music, and you see it when you think about why music has existed for as long as civilization has. If people are able to find some sort of work/life balance within themselves, and then are also able to project that authenticity into their work (typically pure love, unbridled by conditions and uncontrollable variables), it doesn’t matter what they do: they will cause something undeniably positive. The Beatles are a good example. Of course, even John Lennon had his bad days. Not to speak ill of the dead– and absolute legend– but no one is perfect, even when they do a lot of good. The Beatles meditated a lot though. And if you’ve ever meditated a lot, you know that there will always be a more embodied sense of balance to be discovered. A deeper sense of head and heart working in sync with the surrounding environment. This unfurling of greater and greater balance is enjoyed and desired, but hard to sustain. No one is perfect, but people like monks continue to try and Bob Marley was a great example of spreading the love. C’est La Vie and Que Sera Sera.
“Passion is never enough; neither is skill. But try. For our sake and yours, forget your name in the street; tell us what the world has been to you in the dark places and in the light.”
Toni Morrison’s Nobel Lecture
But getting back on track– Document what you do the next time you feel a nice balance setting in between ego and consciousness. I can only describe it as a sense of peace with yourself and your life and a feeling of oneness with yourself and the world. When clarity ensues, what does your inspired action look like? You just might have a little John Lennon or Bob Marley in you.
I find that a lot of really good music, I’m talking top-tier– as in within the first 10 seconds of the song it’s got you doin a lil nasty face cuz you’re really gettin’ into it, yuh…. there’s this instant rush of inspiration felt. The fact that it could have made you go: “Oooo!” ; “Yesssss!” ; “They ate!”– You can tell something intangible happened while the song was being made, and for some reason it moves you. Talent, effort, practice, time, people, and money can all help music land on the charts but only one thing makes it land in your heart: true love. eeeew sappy and gross- i know, but I think emotional truth can be subbed in here instead of true love. The public can smell artificial engagement, and we consumers want something honest, whether it be real and authentic or as fake as you or your girlfriend’s eyelashes. You just don’t know love until you’ve seen a producer listening to a track that it took him 12 hours to mix. When you build something with passion it will undoubtedly bring you joy, probably mostly frustration a lot of the time, but it will also bring joy to those around you. Even the ones you don’t know are there.
Liking the article? When you’re finished reading, you might wanna check out Episode Fifteen of Season Two of Enhance Podcast! Listen to Gabby and her friend Gloria discuss the beauty industry, societal standards, and dealing with stereotypes.
What I did
Getting out of my schlump was pretty hard. Also, I should tell you I was just, *real time!* infuriated beyond belief. My parents’ dog (well he’s mine, but he doesn’t live with me; I co-parent) GOT UP ON THE TABLE and stole the last two bites of my dinner that I had stupidly left out in the open, while going to the restroom. Imagine my fury, when (finally no longer thinking about having to pee) I approach the table where I have entrusted the lodgings of my cheesy rice and turkey taco bowl, and it is GONE. A trail of taco leading straight to the blonde chihuahua culprit! I’m surprised I didn’t shatter the empty bowl in a pure rage. I created that Chipotle-inspired taco bowl with Love, capitol “L” Love, and those were the LAST two bites. However, before the chihuahua-shaped cherry atop of my cheery mood attacked, I had already tried several tactics to defeat the existential-apathy-monster, who is always lifelessly singing “Everything is Awesome” (it’s horrible), that was infecting my brain. I rolled around on my floor for a bit after doing some half-assed yoga. I sat in the bathroom on my phone for too long. I drank too much coffee, and then used the energy to not do the dishes. I did extensive phone-based research on why my computer was on the fritz. I sat on the phone with an IT person, for too long, who I felt knew far less than I did about the inner-workings of my computer and who did nothing to improve the state of it. I cursed into my pillow. I tried to force myself to cry into my pillow out of anger and self-pity and embarrassingly couldn’t. I fixed my computer on my own! And after sitting down and adding a few more lines to my thoughts online, I do feel better.
Now I’m not telling you to start a blog… but why not?
Maybe start smaller and start cutting things out of your life that make you hate life, and remind yourself of some fun you’ve had in the past doing something you’re procrastinating right now. Whether it’s patching things up with a friend or family member, owning up to some guilt you’ve been harboring, tackling that 10-page essay, finally doing your mountain of laundry, making a budget because they are important, or carving out some quality bubble bath time– make time for yourself. Most importantly though, don’t give up. Whether it’s just a shitty day or you’re tromping through the mud with a smile, don’t forget that you are forging forward for yourself. And that’s pretty awesome!
Make a list.
Need to do. Must do. Should do. Want to do. Don’t want to do.
Make a schedule– add something from each list. In that (above) order if you want!
OR IN ANY ORDER YOU LIKE! OR NOT AT ALL!
But, take action to prioritize your mental health. You won’t regret it, I promise you that
Remember
And when none of that works, remember that your existence should not, by any laws other than the laws of nature, be possible. I don’t want to say miracle because that insinuates a positive connotation and life is rarely as simple as positive and negative. But… Life is sacred. And you’re here, right now- until you’re not, so there’s nothing else to do but make the best of it. Your presence is not feasible in the laws of science, but it is essential to the laws of nature. I’m not talking about activism right now but–
YES ACTIVISM IS GOOD PLEASE DO MORE TO HELP OUR TREE FRIENDS AND OUR ATMOSPHERE AND OUR PLANET! (IF YOU LITTER– I SEE YOU AND I AM ANGRY).
–Nature is our only studiable example of life, and we, humans, are included (no matter how hard we have tried to exclude ourselves and distance humanity from nature). Remember your existence is important. No matter how hard it gets or how poorly you feel you are doing in comparison to others or in terms of contribution. The thing humans are best at is perseverance and change. We have the capacity, if nothing else, to endure, and through that endurance we have the capacity to change. Maybe adjust is the better word, but when we stay the same or give up, all we are doing is distancing ourselves further and further away from our humanity, which is rooted in nature, movement, evolution, and constant change. The world gives us a lot of information that makes it feel as though we can’t adjust or we simply can’t endure it any longer. Remember that is a lie. Never give up. Never stop growing.
Written with love and gratitude,
Sid
Disclaimer!
*I do not intend to spread my personal politics or religion nor do I wish to advise any tactics rooted in biased information. Any biased information presented herein is rooted in my own personal preferences, opinions, and experiences. I do not owe my opinions, personal preferences, or experiences to anyone. If something does not resonate please feel free to disregard it. I will give advice as I see fit and try to remain as neutral as possible when giving instructional advice. I will always recommend that you only ever do what you feel is best. Only through everyone actively taking advantage of their own free will, will we ever hope to see a world in which others no longer succeed in trying to control humanity. Power is different from force and there is so much power in humanity. Do what is best for you and the people you love. Move with love and with compassion, and that is graceful. That is different from those who move to control. Control is rigid and cold and has no grace.*
This article was written by Enhance team member Sidney Floyd-Armstrong. Be sure to subscribe and keep an eye on the blog for more fun content from our team!
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